There were many times I felt helpless during Michael’s panic attacks. I did not know what to do or say or how to convince him that he was not going to have a heart attack and die.
I felt sad, angry, frustrated and helpless. I wanted to help him but did not know how to.
I researched online, I read books, I watched programs regarding panic and anxiety, I started watching what he was eating and how the food made him feel.
These are the things I found helped Michael the most during a panic attack and these are the methods that every friend, partner or spouse of a panic sufferer should know:
- Let your partner know you are there for them if they need you. I always asked Michael if there was anything he would like me to do, just let me know. Sometimes just walking with him briskly outside for a couple of minutes would help.
- Tell your partner that you notice the progress they are making in their quest to get rid of the anxiety and panic and congratulate them when you think it’s appropriate. Michael always got this look of terror on his face when he would start to go into a panic attack. One of the first things I noticed when he was focusing on getting better was that look started to go away. I would tell him, “I know you are making progress because you do not have that panic look on your face.” Or ”Good job for realizing what is going on before the panic set in!” ANYTHING your partner does should be praised. Panic and anxiety are not fair, nor are they fun and getting over it is a HUGE step. All praise when genuine is appreciated.
- There will be times when your partner has a relapse, everything is going well, they have been fighting the anxiety and panic and all the sudden it rears its ugly head and they are having a panic attack. Michael has done this a couple of times and was so upset because he thought he was cured. The fact is, he is cured. Something just crept into his mind and it sent him into a mini panic. Michael felt disappointed. This is the time when you need to set the story straight for your partner. There is no need for them to think that they have failed. I reminded Michael of ALL the progress he had made and how proud he should feel. Your partner needs this if this happens, be there for them.
- If your partner does begin to feel panicky or anxious do your best to assure them it is anxiety. This can be touchy, you do not want them to think you are trying to minimize their feelings or to make them think they are being silly or foolish. BE PATIENT with them. Talk to them about their feelings. Just talking can calm the anxiety sometimes.Sometimes I would tell Michael he would “be alright, it is just anxiety” and he would look at me and say “no this is bad, it feels like …” I would let him describe the feelings to me and then I would calmly talk to him about them. One pain that would make Michael feel as though he was having a heart attack was a pain he was having in his back. The pain was caused by his repetitive shoulder motion on the computer. When he would tell me he was feeling anxious and having a tight pain in his chest, I would say “how long were you on the computer today without getting up? Did you leave your desk often?” Lots of times after we would talk about these pains and feelings and what might have caused them, Michael would realize that he had been on the computer for 6 hours straight, only getting up once. Sitting that long would make anyone feel strange. Most of the time, the anxiety went away after we would talk because the real cause of the crappy feeling would be explained.
- I read many articles that stated some anxiety is caused from situations that the anxious person is placed in. Michael’s situational anxiety always popped up when we were going to the movies or watching certain television shows. I found this to be the hardest to help Michael with. This took time. The movies caused a lot of anxious feelings for Michael. He had to go out to the lobby and walk around several times. Be understanding, a television show or a movie is not as important as your partner’s well being. Be patient, they will get better. Since Michael has eliminated the panic and anxiety from his life, he goes to the movies with me now and has not had any issues with television since.
- Help your partner watch what they eat. It still amazes me how sugar, caffeine and a lot of carbs can contribute to anxious feelings. You should not nag your partner about what they are eating, but if they are getting ready to eat 8 Oreos before bed you can nicely tell them that all that sugar before bed might not be a good thing.
Having said what you should do, here are a few things not to do when your partner is having a panic attack:
- Do not put down your partner or tell them to get over it. This does not help to do anything but drive a wedge in your relationship. Remember whether you understand anxiety or not, their feelings and thoughts are real even if they aren’t life threatening.
- Do not question their progress by saying things like “shouldn’t your panic attacks be gone by now?” or “shouldn’t you be able to go to the movies by now?”
- Do not tell others of your partner’s anxious feelings. Let your partner tell the ones they want, this is not up to you, it’s up to them.
- Do not get angry or yell at your partner about their anxious feelings. You must assume they are doing the best they can to conquer the feelings. Being supportive helps them, being angry only prolongs their anxiety because it’s negative mental attitudes that create this in their life.
- If your partner is having a panic attack, do not get anxious or say you are leaving or let’s call 911. The more calm you stay the more it helps your anxious partner. You should be trying to distract them from the panic, not helping them buy into it.
These tips relate to all situations your partner could find themselves in. Whether they were quitting smoking or starting a new business, the most important thing is your support and for them to know you love them.
